This is me, and I am Capitalizing Myself.
Here I am sitting at my computer wondering how I got to this place in my life - again!
I often wonder if once you reach a certain age, you are bound to make the same mistakes over and over again through no fault of your own. It's as if you are programmed due to life circumstances, your family, your upbringing, your ethnic background and your ancestry. Too bad, so sad, that's just how the wind blows.
How can this be though? I know so many people with backgrounds that could only be described as "messed up", and yet, they are flourishing in their relationships. They managed to meet a man who not only chose her to spend the rest of her life with, but actually respects, honors and loves her too! Who would've thought?
So what did she do differently than me?
How did she get married, and yet here I am after another failed relationship, single again?
That's when I remembered my training. As the saying goes, "those who can't do, teach!" Well it was about time I started teaching myself!
So I did. I picked myself up.
I stopped feeling for myself, and calling myself a victim of trauma and pain. A child of abuse. A daughter with Daddy issues. A single woman in her 30's.
I am just me - Nathalie. Nice to meet you.
I, like every human, have good and bad qualities. Many I might add. Yet, I don't think that disqualifies me to ever have real love in my life.
The real problem was I was giving more than I should have.
Not to say that I let people walk all over me, which they did.
But that I loved others before I loved myself.
I cared for others before applying any care to my own well being.
I gave to others before ever considering giving anything to myself.
This was my programming. This was what I believed life was supposed to be like and if anyone did anything remotely differently, they were completely and utterly selfish.
The result being full on exhaustion. I was so drained, so lacking, that I became irritable and depressed. I hated life and chose isolation over socializing. That wasn't any fun either...
So I did the next best thing. I sought out professional help. After many failed attempts and
some verbal and sexual harassment, I realized conventional therapy wasn't for me.
I was people pleasing with my own therapist!
After years of trying to figure things out and get out of my own muck, I tried one more time, this time a licensed professional AND life coach. She was super expensive, made me sign up for a whole slew of sessions at once before even trying her out, and was so sure of herself it tried my politeness. She came with a good reference, so I bit the bullet, wrote the check and started coaching.
And one year later, I saw the effects of her work. I never signed up for more sessions after that first packaged deal. Didn't think I got my money's worth, as they say. Boy was I wrong!
She made me feel empowered. She made me understand that only I was in control of my world.
The thing was, she didn't DO anything. She listened to me and helped me see who I am! That is the power of coaching.
I was so caught up in conventional therapy that I thought "let's sit, talk for months, maybe years, and hope for a shift". In six sessions my life began to change.
Friends that I knew were toxic fell away, men who only came around to take advantage of me moved on, and I found my voice again.
So why am I still single?
I met a man and dated his potential.
He came with so much baggage, I don't know how he stood straight. Textbook bad boy from the movies. The one with the great body, charms the pants off of you, but has a past that makes you want to run!
I kept waiting for the change to happen like it does in movies and romance novels - the part where he lets go of his past because he is so in love with you that his trauma falls away and he is suddenly cured. This helped me excuse the abuse, verbal and physical. It made me more understanding of his disrespect, since it was so close to home, to what I knew. AND not to mention, who am I to judge with all of MY baggage? Who am I to have any expectations of getting more or what I have always dreamed of?
With time though, and a lot of tears, I was able to walk away. Not that it makes it any easier. But I am what some people call, "one of the lucky ones".
This is why I help my friends and family. This is what made me decide to pursue a career in coaching. This is what drives me.
I don't want anyone to feel stuck or broken the way I did for so many years, and so, by capitalizing myself, I hope to help you Capitalize Yourself.