This is me. I am 34.
I was born and raised in Toronto, Canada. I am the youngest of 3 and grew up in a home filled with the flavours of multiculturalism.
My home always had something going on.
Be it an event we held for people in the community, prayer services in our Synagogue, teenage and college parties, or conflicts that erupted in the house like an earthquake.
Growing up I did everything to keep the peace. I despised conflict and froze every time someone got angry or screamed. I became a people pleaser as a child and did everything I could to make a person smile and be happy with me.
I would give in to everyone's needs and honestly do whatever was necessary to change the atmosphere. I would be the comedian, the fool, the party planner, the interactive dancer, the mediator, the counsellor, the therapist, and sometimes, even the divorce attorney.
This helped everyone. I was there for everyone, all day and night, staying with them ‘til all hours of the night until they felt better about themselves, their relationships were fixed, their health restored, their happiness rejuvenated…. And all the whole I smiled brightly and did my job well. One thing was wrong though.
I had nothing left for myself. I was drained, felt empty, and allowed things to happen to me that I wouldn't allow to happen to anyone I supported. Things I would never stand for and call everyone out on for compromising on themselves.
I got into manipulative and toxic friendships. They took advantage of my good nature and loving kindness. I was constantly hurt but felt that if I could only take away their pain, things would get better and they'd love me. I had “friends” that didn’t respect my boundaries and felt that it was completely acceptable to lay their hands on me.
The men I dated only wanted me around when I was the happy go lucky, fun-loving girlfriend. They could vent, cry, scream, and do anything they wanted, but I had to be the picture perfect poster or they'd abandon me.
I never saw what was happening. I was just trying to survive and build real relationships. There was so much heartbreak, pain and uncontrollable sobbing in my life that the thought of wanting it all to end kept creeping up. The suicidal ideation and attempt scared me to such an extent that thankfully, it kicked me back into gear and I was one of the lucky ones.
I started my journey of personal development and thought I was on the right track. I made great decisions in my career and I was succeeding. I was building my savings and investments and living well. On the surface, I had it all. Or did I?
I continued dating and looking for someone who would want me as I am. I thought if I made myself more vulnerable, raw and real, I would be deserving of love and acceptance. Instead I suffered verbal abuse, sexual assault, physical abuse, and both men and women who took advantage of me in any way they could, including stealing from me.
After moving across the world and having the opportunity to start fresh with a new identity, I fell face first into my trauma and suddenly had to face everything I had gone through. I sought out help, and unfortunately was even taken advantage of by my therapists.
In the last 5 years I have faced and dealt with some of the worst experiences of my life and suffered the most abuse. And I finally had enough.
I knew that if I didn't take charge of my life and create change that would make my life work for me and care about my own happiness, things would only get worse. I started to dig deep and take notice of the decisions I was making in my life. I paid attention to how people treated me and started building boundaries and standards that I required from the people in my life.
I built myself up and looked for love from within no longer requiring or begging it from outsiders. My comforts, self love, and inner joy changed how I looked at life and who I interacted with regularly.
If this is how you are feeling and have gone through any sort of pain that caused you to lose yourself, feel free to comment below or send me a private message.
No one deserves to live a mediocre life or think they don’t have a way out. You were meant to be a legend.
Remember - You matter. Believe it. Breathe it. Live it.