Why Are You So Angry?
Where is all this anger coming from?
You snap and yell. You hang up the phone and block me. You don’t let me finish my statements and never let me speak. You talk over me and make all these assumptions. It is impossible to communicate. We never get anywhere. If I could say one major thing that gets to me, is this. I’d like one week, one month, without all this drama.
There goes my heart… He said it all in one shot. Called me out and placed the metaphorical mirror to stare at my faults right in front of my face. Now what? Do I tell him? Do I hold tight or let go?
Communication. It is such an important topic. We learn about the importance of active listening, the importance of sharing your thoughts and feelings, your honest and real authentic self. We are told, “Don’t be scared - there are so many platforms today to share your voice, make a difference, and have an impact on the world. Changing it one day at a time, one person at a time, with one conversation at a time.” Share your story, be vulnerable, share your truth and you will change your life and your world. How can you share with the world, and not the other parts of your soul? How can you communicate on a global scale and not share with your loved ones the musings within your heart?
One thing that gets in the way… trust.
Do you trust who you are speaking to?
Do you feel like you can say everything that it’s in your heart and soul?
Do you feel safe to show your true skin?
I know I didn’t. I haven’t in a while.
How much pain and heartbreak can one person experience before the pain just overwhelms and makes you climb into bed for three days?
I’m pretty sure I can sit here right now and explain it with words, facts, statistics, and so on, but for what? We all know pain. We all know that mind-numbing, stark fear that overtakes our every thought, our every breath, our every movement.
So we climb into bed, take a bubble bath, stay in pajamas, shut out the world and hide. We sit in that raw, open wound sitting in the middle of our chest, forgetting to eat despite our stomach grumbling, forgetting to drink even though our throat is dry, fighting off sleep despite our exhaustion, with every intake of breath getting harder and more shallow, and our heartbeat suddenly so much stronger as if it will pound itself out of our chest just to get away from the pain.
We cry, but then get angry for falling apart again.
We judge ourselves for succumbing to this crap again. We know we are stronger and better than this. We told ourselves we wouldn’t fall into the same old patterns of shutting out everyone and the world. We told ourselves we would find peace in love. We said we would trust again.
Do we trust again?
I convinced myself that I was over it all. I have grown. I am strong. I am capable.
How capable am I if I can’t even have a conversation that I have been fighting for over a year to have? Don’t get me wrong. I bring it up, I question, I am brave and sit there expecting the answer I know will come, and then I shut down before he can say the words that we both know will come.
Why do we love the impossible?
Why do we dream the big dreams?
Why do we hope?
We know that life's meant to be great. We have the ability to create empires and reach for the mountains. We can become successful and rich, make a difference in the world. There are enough ‘rags to riches’ stories out there that inspire and motivate us. It helps us to dream, even in our darkest moments. And yet, it is their possibility, out there somewhere in this great big wide world, but not meant for me. I don’t deserve it. I am not meant for it. I am not worthy of it. I am damaged goods. I am broken. I am finished. Or worse… I have already experienced love and passion and tapped out having nothing left to give, or the opposite, I have never experienced any sort of love or had anyone I liked to like me back. It’s not in the stars for me.
Has Hollywood, books, music, and magazines ruined it for me?
Does Prince Charming exist?
Will he climb every mountain for me?
Will he go the extra mile to make me that princess?
Will he really take care of me, love me and cherish me every day of his life?
What does that even mean?!
“Marriage is work.”
“It’s commitment, communication, and compromise every day.”
“Relationships take work and you have to invest your time, energy, money, and give your all to make it work.”
“Invest in those that invest in you.”
This is advice I have heard over and over…
What if you have done all of the above and it still doesn’t work?
What if you are just so tired of trying and pushing and investing and all you want is the prince on the horse to come and rescue you from the tower, give you the kiss that wakes you up from your nightmares, and lets you experience the freedom of flying in the skies and imagining all that can be… damn, Disney!
You got me.
So, why am I angry?
Am I angry? Not at all. I am…
I am hurt. I am broken. I am heartbroken. I am alone, even with you.
I feel like I am living in a perpetual state of heartbreak whether we are together or not. I keep hoping the feeling will shake and we will somehow work through this rut and find our way to one another again. The truth is, though, you are right. Having this conversation, making plans for the future together, nothing will fix it. I have mourned you before you left my life. I mourn the loss of you while lying in your arms. I cry and feel like you took a part of my heart and soul that I cannot connect to ever again as if we are oceans apart instead of here with me walking hand in hand.
Can you be in love and not feel loved?
Can you be committed without connection?
Can you be wishing and praying for something that cannot exist?
Can two people who have lived such different lives make it work?
Can you compromise on everything you stand for and still want that future wholeheartedly?
Can you love someone you don’t trust?
Can you love someone who you fear?
Can you love someone who hurt you?
I grew up thinking that you not only can but, once committed, you must.
People are complex, not one-dimensional.
We cannot possibly know what goes on in someone else’s mind and heart, so we must take the leap and jump headfirst. How do we know we can give them our hearts and let them see our souls? I am told we have to trust what they do, not just what they say. Look at their actions. Pay attention to how they treat you, not just how they say they care.
So what are you doing?
No - not your partner. You.
How are you trusting yourself today?
How are you loving yourself today?
How are you showing up in your love life?
I have been struggling with these questions for a while…
How can you expect your lover to trust, love, and show up for you if you aren’t doing it for yourself? If you aren’t taking care of yourself, how can they possibly know how to care for you? If you don’t trust your thoughts, feelings, and musings, how can they?
If you do not trust yourself, what made you lose that trust?
We can blame it on all the pain and trauma you have experienced, but it is so much more than that. After all you didn’t cause your own heartbreak, you didn’t ghost and pretend not to know yourself, you didn’t abandon yourself while planning a wedding, you didn’t walk away from a chance to share a lifetime together from yourself, you didn’t force yourself on yourself, you didn’t hit yourself… So why did you lose trust in yourself?
You may blame yourself for everything you have gone through, and while there is a sense of taking ownership of what happened and having personal responsibility in it all, it does not shift blame from them to you. You are not at fault.
Let go of the anger, baby girl.
Let yourself feel it all, let yourself wallow, and please give yourself permission to cry.
Let yourself heal, and give yourself permission to walk away if it isn’t serving you.
Let yourself dream again - life is meant to be great, joyous, and wondrous.
You aren’t meant to suffer.
Let’s heal one scar at a time. One tear at a time. One painful memory at a time and find the pure joy and love in life again. I am right there with you. I see you. I hear you. I feel you.
Don’t trust me yet, but trust you.
You are the best thing that exists by the mere fact that you exist.
You are meant to be a legend. Do not settle for the mediocre anymore.
If you want that success, that mountain climber, that fairy tale, go out and get it. Make it happen because you deserve it and so much more.
I got you, but more than anything, you got you!